Why Feeding Trolls is Sometimes Necessary

You’ve probably seen this seemingly thoughtful, civil advice a lot of times: Don’t feed the troll! 

Forget it!

Sometimes it’s necessary to feed the troll. Yes, and if it’s possible feed trolls with something they could not even swallow or digest. Something that’s more powerful and more poisonous than their troll-attacks.

Remember that the main goal of an Internet troll is to “troll”. That is, to annoy, to offend, to intimidate, to mock, etc. His agenda is simply self-serving– to satisfy his/her own desire (whatever that is).

Here are a few rules that you might include in your ‘The Art of Troll-War’ booklet:

  • Rule #1: Identify the troll. What kind of troll is he/she. If he’s a commie troll, you need to be very mean! Don’t be too kind with commie trolls. You need to be meaner, yet wittier than your enemy. Try to understand that they’re impossible to deal and reason with. It’s impossible to reason or bargain with such online creatures.
  • Rule #2: Feed the troll. Call it self-defense rule. The troll is asking for it. Give it to him/her. As you go along with the feeding process, you need to develop new strategies and surprise attacks (according to your tactical evaluation of your ‘enemy’) as fast as possible.
  • Rule #3: Think strategically. Remember that your enemy’s mission is to hurt your feelings or to make you feel less of a human being. Use that against him/her. Expect that trolls will say or type almost everything to put you down or to annoy you. Don’t take the bait.
  • Rule #4: Feed the troll with some dosage of his own medicine.
  • Rule #5: Don’t forget rule #3.

Here are 18 types of trolls from Smosh.com:

1. The Rabid Flamer

This guy likes to make trouble for his own amusement. If nothing particularly nasty is going on, he’ll whip out his flamethrower and burn everyone in his path, especially denizens of parenting or pets chat rooms.

2. The Priggish Grammar Troll

No matter what the discussion is about, the Priggish Grammar Troll will ignore the argument and pick on the one word you used incorrectly, like “alot” or misuses of “they’re,” “their” and “there.”

3. The Crybaby

If someone says something mean to the Crybaby, she’ll become hysterical and swear she’s never coming back to the board. Of course, you’ll see her three days later when she slinks back for more abuse. The Crybaby often tells on you to the mods and swears she’s going to get you banned.

4. The Never-Give-Up, Never-Surrender Troll

This troll is ALWAYS right and will battle to the death to prove it. There’s no point in trying to fight her. If she can’t back something up with reality, she’ll make something up, just to show you how wrong you are.

5. The Retroactive Stalker

The Retroactive Stalker will go back in time to find every cragislist post you ever made until he finds something embarrassing you said, even if you posted it three years ago. After that, whenever you post anything new, the Retroactive Stalker will link to the old post(s) in an effort to discredit you.

6. The Lame Teenager

The Lame Teenager responds with clever sayings like, “I know you are, but what am I?” and “I’m rubber and you’re glue…” Warning: Sometimes the Lame Teenager is really a 40-year-old guy who can’t think of anything better to say.

7. The Self-Feeding Troll

This guy likes to argue, even when everyone else in the fo tells him he’s wrong. Without support from his nonexistent friends, he changes handles—or makes up new ones—to show the fo how loved he is.

8. The Bored Hater

This guy loves to make problems, usually out of sheer boredom. His posts are vile and hideous for no other reason than riling up total strangers. His arsenal includes racism, sexism, homophobia and religious intolerance.

9. Nellie McNeggerson

Nellie likes to show her displeasure by negging every craigslist post you make, regardless of its content. If you say, “cool!” she’ll neg you. If you say “thanks!” she’ll neg you. She might even create multiple accounts so she can neg you four or five times.

10. The Sharing Troll

Also known as the TOU Violator, this psycho will find out your personal information and post it on message boards when you anger him. For example, when he’s being an ass to someone and you step in to tell him to knock it off, he’ll use your real name or post your address.

11. The Profane Screamer

If someone says something even remotely critical of the Profane Screamer, he’ll TYPE IN ALL CAPS, telling you what a @#$# you are and insulting your mom. The Profane Screamer is often a noob and often turns into The Crybaby.

12. The White Knight

If the White Knight thinks someone hurts someone’s feelings, he’ll put on his shiny armor and joust for honor and goodness … even if the “attacked” person tells him to shut up.

13. The Expert

The Expert knows everything about everything and loves to share his knowledge. He’s a lawyer, a doctor, a senator, a pro-ball player, a historian, an engineer … in reality, of course, he’s an unemployed temp living with his mom.

14. The Spoiler

The Spoiler likes to ruin people’s days. On the film fo, he gives away endings (“He was dead the whole time!”). On sports sites, he posts the final scores.

15. The Fraud

Also known as the Romance Scammer or the Deposed Nigerian Prince, the fraud takes pleasure in robbing people of their cash or self respect. If your friends warn you that something seems hinky, PAY ATTENTION!

16. The Flooder

The Flooder tries to break forums by posting the same lame thing (LOL! ROTFL!) over and over and over and over and over and over…

17. The Liar

The Liar is the most common troll. He loves to lure in brainless high-school girls by pretending he’s a romantic 20-year-old sensitive poet. The Liar is fairly harmless—as long as you don’t set up an IRL meet-up.

18. The Stalker

The Stalker is the only truly dangerous troll. He’ll hack your computer, post your SSN on the Internet and find you IRL. 4Chan is filled with Stalkers, but fortunately they usually only amass when someone hurts a kitten or yells at a little kid.

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